just for fun…horse jokes?
By admin on Feb. 1, 2010.
You may be a horse person if…….
…you were driving to the grocery store and you freaked when you didn’t see the trailer behind you.
…you have ever used perfume on your horse.
…you consider belt buckles and spurs jewelry.
…you spend more hours at the barn than at work.
…your dog drinks out of a bucket rather than a bowl.
..your kids shop at Tractor Supply Co.(or any horsey store)
…you put your coat on the floor because the coat hanger is full of bridles and halters.
…you think high-heels are cowboy boots.
…when you think strapless is the kind of spurs where you push them onto your boot.
…you get pizza delivered to the barn more often than your house.
…the perfect getaway is a new trail.
How do you…
induce labor in a mare? Take a nap.
cure equine constipation? Load them in a clean trailer.
cure equine insomnia? Show them in a halter class.
get a horse to stay very calm and laid back? Show them in a speed class.
get a horse to wash his own feet? Clean the water trough and fill it with fresh water.
get a mare to come in heat? Take her to a show.
get a mare in foal the first cover? Let the wrong stallion get out of his stall.
make sure that a mare has that beautiful, perfectly marked foal you always wanted? Sell her before she foals.
get a show horse to set up perfectly and really stretch? Get him out late at night or anytime no one is around to see him.
induce a cold snap in the weather? Clip a horse.
make it rain? Mow a field of hay.
make a small fortune in the horse business? START WITH A LARGE ONE!
Horse Self- Improvement In 20 Easy Steps
1. I will NOT roll in streams when my human is on my back.
2. I will NOT leap over large nonexistent obstacles when the whim strikes.
3. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
4. I will NOT bite my farrier’s butt just to say "Hi".
5. I will NOT confuse my human’s blond hair for really soft hay.
6. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
7. I will NOT try to mooch goodies from every human within a one-mile radius.
8. I will NOT lay totally flat in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can’t hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
9. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
10. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure over while my human is mucking my stall.
11. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
12. I will NOT pull my shoes off the day after being shod just to prove that I can.
13. I am NEITHER a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I won’t eat or orally remodel the barn or the new fences.
14. I am NOT a battle steed and will NOT act like one.
15. I WILL forgive my human for my very bad haircut, even though I look ridiculous.
16. I WILL accept that not every carrot is for me.
17. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during a trail ride just to say "Hi".
18. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
19. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
20. I WILL gladly come from the pasture when my human wants my company.
Horse Hair Warning
Horse Hair: Potentially Dangerous!!!
In a press release today, the National Institute of Health has announced the discovery of a potentially dangerous substance in the hair of horses. This substance, called "amo-bacter equuii" has been linked with the following symptoms in female humans:
Reluctance to cook
Reluctance to perform housework
Reluctance to wear anything but boots
Reluctance to work except in support of a horse
Physical craving for contact with horses (may be an addiction)
Beware: If you come in contact with a female human affected by this substance, be prepared to talk about horses for hours on end. This has been a public service announcement.
(original version)
When you are tense, let me teach you to relax.
When you are short-tempered, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to see.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you to be patient.
When you are angry, let me teach you to be serene.
When you feel superior, let me teach you to be respectful.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to think of greater things.
When you are arrogant, let me teach you humility.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion.
When you are tired, let me carry the load.
When you need to learn, let me teach you.
After all, I am your horse.
And now, the REAL DEAL………………..
When you are tense, let me teach you that there are lions in them thar woods and we need to leave NOW!
When you are short-tempered, let me teach yo u to slog around the pasture for an hour before you can catch me.
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure o
When you are short-sighted, let me teach you to figure out where, exactly, in the 40 acres I am hiding.
When you are quick to react, let me teach you that herbivores kick much faster and harder than omnivores.
When you are angry, let me teach you how well I can stand on my hind feet because I don’t feel like cantering on my right lead today.
When you are worried, let me entertain you with my mystery lameness.
When you feel superior, let me teach you that, mostly, you are the maid service.
When you are self-absorbed, let me teach you to PAY ATTENTION. Remember how I told you about those lions in them thar woods?
When you are arrogant, let me teach you what 1200 lbs of "YAHOO LETS GO!" can do when suitably inspired.
When you are lonely, let me be your companion. Let’s do lunch. Also, breakfast, snack and dinner.
When yo u are tired, don’t forget the 600 lbs of grain that needs to be unloaded.
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning o
When you are feeling financially secure, let me teach you the meaning of "Veterinary Services".
When you want to learn, hang around, bud. I’ll learn ya.
The Lone Ranger and Tonto walked into a bar and sat down to drink a beer.
After a few minutes, a big tall cowboy walked in and said "Who owns the big white horse outside?"
The Lone Ranger stood up, hitched his gun belt, and said, "I do, why?"
The cowboy looked at the Lone Ranger and said, "I just thought you’d like to know that your horse is about dead out there!"
The Lone Ranger and Tonto rushed outside, and sure enough, Silver was ready to die from heat exhaustion. The Lone Ranger got water for the horse, and soon Silver was starting to feel a little better.
The Lone Ranger turned to Tonto and said, "Tonto, I want you to run around Silver,and see if you can create enough of a breeze to make him start to feel better."
Tonto said, "Sure, Kemosabe", and took off running circles around Silver.
Not able to do anything else but wait, the Lone Ranger returned to the bar to finish his drink. A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and
A few minutes later, another cowboy struts into the bar and asks, "Who owns that big white horse outside?" The Lone Ranger stands again, and claims, "I do, what’s wrong with him this time?"
The cowboy looks him in the eye and says . . .
"Nothin’, but you left your Injun running".
THIS ONES MY FAVORITE!!
Sign outside a riding stable:
"We have big horses for big folks, small horses for small folks, slow horses for people who like to ride slow, and for folks who have never ridden before, we have horses who have never been ridden."
Who Can Open the Gate
This story takes you to a big pasture, filled with a lovely bunch of horses. A question has just been asked amid the herd.
Let’s listen in on the conversation among the many breeds of horses.
…………"Who Can Open the Gate?"…………
Lipizzan: No need for opening it! When are you all going to learn how to fly?!!
Thoroughbred: I don’t want to mess with that gate and I am too scared of flying! I will just jump over it and leave you all behind.
Paint: Yeah, what he said! Na Na Na Na Na Na!
Palomino: Forget it. Count me out. I am not taking any chances of messing up my chrome!
Arabian: You’ll have to get somebody else to do it. I’m not messin’ up my nails for no one!
Quarter Horse: Maybe if I push on it with my big buns, I could open it!
Standardbred: Pity on all of you. I’ll figure it out, just give me some time.
Polo Pony: Wait just a minute, let me get my stick and give it a few bloody wacks!
Shetland: Let me at it. I’ll break the stu
Shetland: Let me at it. I’ll break the stupid thing! Then you all can get out of my face.
Mule: Oh, let’s just pack it in and call it a day.
Saddlebred: Now, now. I’ll open it, if someone could help me with my shoes?
Fresian: I’ll do it! Do you think it will mess up my hair? I always have such good hair days.
Mustang: Heck with opening it, how about I just run the whole darn fence over?
Belgian: Step back! You all aren’t strong enough to do it. I’ll do it. Oh, but what if I break it?
Morgan: There, there. I’ll do it for you. No need to have such a big fit. Peace be with all of you. Is there anything else I could do for you after I get done with the gate?
Appaloosa: Oh, hush all of you! Ya big bunch of sissies. No one is leaving till I say so!
Percheron: I have already opened the gate while you all have been arguing! I even went down the next row and opened all the other gates. So it will be awhile before I have to listen to all of you argue again!
lol, nice! I enjoyed reading them! Here are some more "you know your a horse person if…" for you;
YOU KNOW YOUR A HORSE PERSON IF…
- You accessorize your hairstyle with peices of hay
- You examine every peice of rope or twine for its halter potential
- You think a great vacation is spending a long weekend in front of a horse trailer by a dusty arena
- You take your children’s tempurature and think 102F is normal
- You spend more money on horseshoes than on your own shoes
- You always keep carrots, apples and sugar cubes in your refridgerator
- You perfer the smell of a stable to cologne
- You sleep with your boots on and count horses to fall asleep
- Your laugh begins to sound like a horse whinny
- Instead of giving someone directions to turn "left" or "right," you tell them to "gee" or "haw"
- You still have your childhood horse statues in your bedroom
- Your favourite outfit is made of leather and includes whips and spurs
- You talk to your horse more than your talk to your spouse
- You spend more time at the feed store than you do at the grocery store
Hope you enjoyed them n_n
Category: horse jewelry